Tag Archives: Old South

On the Kentucky Derby

2 May

I don’t know if you watched the 141st running of the Kentucky Derby. I did. I mean … the hype! While I watched my writer’s brain kept churning, and I couldn’t help writing the following. In the face of what’s been going on in Baltimore and the rest of the country/world, this side-step into a world totally removed from reality caught my attention. Tell me what you think.

Groups Complain About the 141st Running of the Kentucky Derby:

Strange bedfellows of extreme groups gathered after the 141st running of the Kentucky Derby today to voice complaints regarding the annual event.

1. The Association of Sexual Satisfaction (ASS) complained that compared to the build-up of more than two hours on national television, the actual time of the race was 2:03.02 (two minutes, three point oh two seconds) — which left most viewers unfulfilled and wanting more, only to be exasperated by less-than-satisfying post-race interviews and reruns.

2. The American Tea Party as well as the American Libertarian Party were incensed by the fact that of the 20 jockeys originally scheduled to ride in the event (one was scratched), only two — Gary Stevens (Firing Line) and Mike Smith (Far Right — on whom the Tea party placed a $250,000 bet) — had what the party termed “Amerkin names.” “We would like to see the documentation of all other jockeys to make sure they are in the Nited States under proper papers,” said a spokesman from the group.

3. Westboro Baptist Church, who condemns all who participate in horse racing to hell, further complained about the winning entry’s name. “By God, this is an American institution — and the winner was a goddamn foreigner with a horse named American Pharoah! This country is NOT a dictatorship, but under the rule of GAWD! Pharoah got his ass whipped once, and we cannot condone a horse named Pharoah winning in a Southern American tradition!”

The group called for the immediate dispatching of the horse, jockey and owner.

4. The NAACP complained that the event is “Lily White!” and uses references to slavery in the singing of “My Old Kentucky Home” as well as the tradition of women wearing hats and gowns that reflect an era of black American repression. The Reverend Al Sharpton has called for a march next week of three laps around the Churchill Downs racetrack followed by a fund-raising event with Hollywood notaries that will feature Mint Juleps and shrimp cocktail.

This is satire, of course, and not at all true — at the moment.