National Do-Not-Call Registry App

18 Apr

National Do-Not-Call Registry App
by L. Stewart Marsden

Six p.m. . . .
Time to eat . . .
And just as I’m starting
to take my seat
the telephone
hanging on the wall
starts to ring.
“It’s dinner time . . . now who would call?”

“Hello?”
I ask,
and a thin, nasally voice
jumps into her scripted task.

“Mrs. Mellow?”
“Mister. I’m Barry. She’s Marcia.”
“I’m sorry to call at this time . . . ”
“Then, why didja?”
“I’m sorry?”
“You said that already.”
“I’m with WPYA”
“Who?”
“WPYA — we protect your ass-ets?”
“You don’t know?”
“Know what?”
“What you do.”
“Oh! And we’re calling to offer you –”
“Don’t want any.”
“Want any what?”
“You don’t know? Damn, you’re dumb!”
“We’re offering free –”
“Here it comes . . . ”
“Here comes what?’
“Again, you don’t know? And for Godsake don’t say ‘Don’t know what?'”
“FREE HOME ALARM SYSTEMS!?!”
“Free?”
“Free.”
“Know what the NDNCRA stands for?”
“No, I do not.”
“National Do-Not-Call Registry App. I have a do not call order on this number that you called. You are in violation. Your ass-et is in trouble!”
“Those generally go into effect ninety days after you’ve registered, Mr. Mellow.”
“I know. I registered over a year ago.”
“Oh.”
“And, the app part is a new angle. It is an electronic reverse field application that is able to trace this phone call back to its initiating location. Meaning, where you are.”
“Oh, I doubt that. This number is a revolving dummy number.”
“It also attaches a subatomic GPS transistor to your headset. It’s tracking you now.”
“That’s ridiculous, Mr. Mellow!”
“It also sends a one-way camera into your computer screen, allowing me to send photographs of you to the authorities, who, by the way, are en route at this very moment to your location, locking onto your GPS with computerized RPGs.”
“RPGs?”
“Rocket Propelled Grenades.”
“WHAT!?”
“It’s a very serious matter when you violate the NDNCRA.”
“Stop it! You’re bluffing, Mr. Mellow!”
“Oh, do call me Barry.”
“I don’t believe you!”
“I don’t care. It’s still true. Just to prove my point, Miss Quackenberry . . .”
“How do you know my name?”
“Aside from the computer printout that identifies your coordinates and computer ID, it’s also written on your blue name tag in reverse white in elite typeface.”
“WHAAAAAAAAAA!?”
“I’d estimate that you have approximately 90 seconds.”
“Ninety seconds? Ninety seconds until what?”
“Till the first RPG hits. Make that eighty seconds.”
“You can’t do this to me! All I’m doing is my job, for Chrissakes!”
“Sixty-five.”
“Tell them to call it off! I’ll never call you again — promise!”
“Alas, too late. Fifty seconds.”
“I’m young and have my whole like ahead of me!”
“Should have thought of that before! Thirty-five.”
“PLEASE!!! DON’T DO THIS!”
“I’m not doing this. You are. Twenty seconds.”
“I’ll hang up right now!”
“Won’t do any good. Ten–nine–eight–seven–six–five–four–three–two–one–ze–”

Click.

“Who’s that, Dad?”
“Wrong number.”

It’s six-twenty p.m.
Past time to eat.
I begrudgingly go back
to take my seat.

And smile.

Okay. A combo poem-story. A POESTRY! This is my secret wish. The app is probably available already for smart phones and tablets.

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4 Responses to “National Do-Not-Call Registry App”

  1. Dave April 19, 2012 at 3:17 am #

    Like the Poestry….keep writing, your poems/stories are better and better.

  2. RoSy March 11, 2013 at 10:36 am #

    I could use that app too! 😉

  3. skipmars August 1, 2015 at 8:07 pm #

    Reblogged this on Writing Odds n Ends and commented:

    Thought about this today. We’ll soon be in that time span when all sorts of interruptions will take place due to the ramped up political campaigning. It’s just a story. Unless, of course, YOU’RE the genius working on that Do Not Call app!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. National Do Not Email Registry | Writing Odds n Ends - March 30, 2017

    […] Here’s a poem/story (poestry?) I wrote several years ago about a Do-Not-Call App that you really should be able to download to rid yourself of those nuisance calls: click here. […]

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