by L. Stewart Marsden
Recently the media has revealed that voter fraud occurred during the Republican Primaries in South Carolina due to many votes being casked, I mean, cast, by citizens who are deceased. Dead. Kaput.
I realize this is probably grist for the new NBC thriller, Grimm, but I got to thinking about it, and I think there is definitely a place to reconsider legalizing the dead vote.
This under-represented group has a major impact on the economy, and deserves a voice. Think of all the businesses and industries that are dependent on the dead: cemeteries and mortuaries are the tip of the ice berg. Actuaries and insurance companies could not live without the dead. New York real estate — especially on Manhattan — moves with the dead. Sculptors who would be idle if not for memorials; bridges, parks and highways and other federal, state and local buildings and bi-ways would be numbered instead of named.
In a way, the dead have been voting for decades. The revelation of voter fraud in South Carolina of recent is not a new phenomenon. Back in the mid 70′s the Chicago Boy Scouts created Boy Scout memberships — paid for by the US Government — from the name of nonexistent boys, and the dead. This Chicago-Gate harmed Scouting throughout the nation for years. No doubt there are many other examples that have long been buried.
The very first plus of giving the dead the vote is the obvious: it won’t be a contributor to voter fraud in the future. But, there are clearly other benefits:
The dead have a very real advantage over the living: they can see into the past as well as into the future. Think how that will impact the veracity and the promises of candidates who will want to appeal to this voting block! No more flip-flopping or denying anything; no more making promises that won’t or can’t be met, because the dead vote will point a bony finger at them!
The dead have the advantage of being able to accurately assess history! Did FDR allow the attack on Pearl Harbor? The dead can check it out and report it on TDN on cable (I don’t have to tell you what TDN stands for, right?).
AND, the whole debate about the intentions of our Founding Fathers will finally have its resting place! It will become a Dead Issue!
Such lack of representation — or the inability to determine how our government should be shaped — is a real crime, and I say, give the dead the vote.
Still another benefit of legalizing the dead vote not only goes back to healing past actions thought to be illegal and immoral (the Boy Scouts? Immoral?) at the time, but really paves the way for future projects to be incredibly successful without anyone having to worry about prison time. Our prisons are overflowing as it is!
There you have it. Legalize the Dead Vote. You might have to first register the dead to make sure they are old enough . . . at least 18 years since passing. But think, everyone — as long as they are not aliens — will get the chance to cask — um, cast their vote. Ouija boards ($25 each from Hasbro at stores everywhere) would be placed in each polling/voting location with a medium present to take down those revelations on an official ballot box. Far less expensive than contemporary voting machinery, and no lines! At least, that we can see. No hanging chads, either (unless Chad was hung). Absentee ballots would be redundant, and not needed.
I can see a new party emerging from this: the Grateful Dead Party — because, think how grateful our dearly departed will be to finally have the vote.
As Porky Pig said (I think he died in 1977), Th-th-th-th- that’s all, Folks!